Are we destined to be either single hopefuls withering away, waiting for Mr. Right or should we settle for somebody to keep loneliness at bay? A guy friend of mine said men only get married to find a good wife and mother to their children. And if not for the children, most men would not want to get married. All of my married female friends have told me compromise is b.s. and does not exist. Somebody (usually the woman) has to be the bigger person and be the peacemaker. Movies and television show us how relationships could be…where men and women could be equals, contributing in ways that the other values, and learn to get along. Do we accept things in relationships for the way they are and believe them to be the truth or do we dare to face the truth in our relationships and face being alone? Is it worth it to continue to live in a lie to keep the peace?

A little over a year ago, my girlfriend wrote me a painful email, desperately crying out for support and words of wisdom to help her dig herself out of a breakup rut. She was going out, partying like crazy every night, and drinking a great deal. She was reading too much into everything that took place around her…like everything happened for a reason or purpose. She had just broke up with someone (let’s call him Bob) after a year of serious dating, and before that, she had a nasty dragged out breakout with a guy she dated since age 16 (she is now 32). After college, she moved across the world to be with her high school boyfriend. I was totally against this move. Anyone could tell they are not compatible. She was determined to be with him. Even after breaking up, they were still talking and occassionally sleeping together for a year. I was the broken record in her head telling her to make a clean break. It was during this time that she met Bob. A seamless transition from the high school boyfriend. Anyone could have told her it was rebound. It seems that her break up with Bob triggered everything…she was finally falling apart and taking the time to really get over her breakups. It’s like the pain she bypassed when she detoured to her relationship with Bob caused her to now take a longer detour down misery tunnel.

I am glad to hear that you are taking the time to be alone, find yourself and what you really want.  It’s very difficult to know what you want when you are driving the car towards a different direction.  That’s not to say that you and (Bob) are not meant to be.  I don’t think any of us end up with the type of person we think we would end up with.  It’s always different.  Relationships are funny.  They shape us into who we are meant to become.  I do notice one thing as I get older…no matter how confusing or unsure we are of our decisions, we continue to grow, forging forward.  I think if you really want something, you will go for it.  When something really matters, you will make the right decision.  It’s when everything is confusing because nothing truly matters.  That’s the bitch.
Stay strong.  After 2-3 years of being alone, it stops being a big deal.  It’s a nice feeling to be alone and be okay with it.  It’s very tough but a deep sense of liberation and understanding of yourself…you can’t find yourself when you are half of someone else.  And when you are ready, no matter who you are with, it’s important to understand things will never be the same…and no relationship will ever have the same impact or intensity as the relationships you have had in the past.  As you get older, you get wiser and just don’t let yourself fall in love so easily…automatic emotion armor.  Finding someone you can trust, have a profound respect for, and willing to compromise with, is ultimately the most important type of life partner.  The drama will go away and you will find peace within, that is love.

Now is a time I suggest you watch Bridget Jones.  I found a great sense of support from watching Bridget Jones and Sex & the City.  The feeling that you are not alone and having choices…too many options for the modern day, successful women leads to a long single life.  Don’t believe for a second that life is beautiful and some prince charming will come and everything will just click.  There isn’t always butterflies or dreamy romances.  But there are a few good men.  No one is perfect.  We all try our best to work on our relationships and believe in each other.  Once you are liberated from yourself…the nightmares will get better, the rats will fade away from your vision and thoughts, and you will be too busy with everyday life to even think about relationships.  Then someone will come along and be your rock, bringing you inner peace and fulfillment.

Stay strong my friend.  I am here for you.

She said my email helped her a great deal…and I remember feeling an extreme connection to what she was going through, the loneliness and vulnerableness of knowing that we may never experience that feeling of butterflies again….because now we know the imaginary butterflies don’t exist. Just like the movies, if we believe in magic, it can exist. If we believe in love, we can fall in love. It is this great belief and hopefullness that has build our expectation about love. The idea that we are not all destined to be with somebody is sad, but what if destiny doesn’t exist…do we dare to find the truth, and find ourselves?

I am not a huge fan of Dr. Phil but I do beieve his philophy on not going to bed angry.  It feels like the anger builds up, to the point where I have trouble sleeping…plus doesn’t it build up resentment towards your partner?  When we are young, fighting with a boyfriend was crazy, throwing things, name calling, and worst yet, punching the wall or phone.  As we get older, we have to learn to sleep on it because we have to work the next day.  It will not be fruitful to scream the night away so both of us can have a bad day at work and get fired from our jobs.  But it does bother me when Mr. Right goes to bed with no problem while I am up late into the night, wondering if I should apologize or wait for him to come around.  Half the time I don’t really know what I did to set him off.  Based on some wisdom from my happily married friends, it appears that the woman always have to suck it and be the bigger person.  Is this true for most women?